I feel stupid when people ask me that question, and I feel ashamed of the truth so I just say “to be a writer” or even “I don’t know” in the hopes that they’ll get off my back.
Right now I feel so detached from who I am inside because I can’t have what I want, at least not yet; not at this stage. It’s a simple dream, yet one that seems so far out of reach because it’s years away from my grasp.
I want the whole marriage and babies thing; that’s it. That right there is my dream. I want to find my soulmate and to have a family with him and I want to love and be loved.
I am a woman, and being a woman is a difficult role in itself. We are expected to have big dreams, and I would likely be looked down on by other women for not wanting more for myself. I want what men historically expect from us.
I want to raise a happy, healthy and loving family with someone who has the same morals and beliefs and attitudes towards life as me.
I feel like I was put on this earth to do that. That is going to be my legacy and i am completely okay with that.
But how can I say that aloud now, at the age of eighteen years old? Nobody will take me seriously. They’ll tell me that I have my whole life ahead of me and that my thirties will be the time to settle down but they don’t get it.
It’s all I’ve ever wanted. I want what I never had; for my children to have a huge support system. All I had growing up was myself and parents who argued. I will not be that person. I will not give my children that life.
They deserve more. I deserve more.
I’m tired of waiting for this dream of mine, though. I’m so sick of being in that in-between stage of being too young to be an adult but too old to be a child. I always thought that my 18th year would be the start of everything but it hasn't lived up to my expectations.
From this day forward I will not feel ashamed of primarily wanting this for myself, love is beautiful in every form it presents itself in and I will take pride in appreciating that.
“I must bridge the gap between adolescent glitter and mature glow.” - Sylvia Plath
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